‘Whoever said money couldn’t buy happiness simply didn’t know where to shop’ said the infamous Bo Derek.

And what ‘shopping’ those Oscar A-listers must have had – imagine it – the great and the untouchables of the fashion world tripping over themselves to strew offerings at their dainty feet: Ripe, fat cherries of fantastical exquisiteness, gorgeousness and desirability paraded before them like the most delicious selection ever tasted from Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory. Objects of such absolute beauty that just seeing them would make us mere mortals weep with emotion and combust with desire.

So how come so many of them got it wrong? And why was it so damn boring? Was it all just a process they went through, to get it ‘right’ whilst pretending not to care?  The ultimate in princess moments, other than your wedding day, utterly lost on them? I didn’t want to write about the Oscars…but it has me in it’s grasp, my heart is quietly bleeding and knives are being prepared…

Prime suspect no. 1 – Jennifer Lawrence in Dior and Calvin Klein, photo by Getty Images.

Sorry, got confused….

I thought the mutated with ‘Gone with the Wind’ look was condemned to history a long, long time ago.  For very good reason.  I think of the modern woman and wonder why anyone would want to wear anything so restricting? – how does she actually sit or move?…interesting point…with…difficulty…..

Her second dress was not much better (photo by Getty Images)

Too low on the boobs, terrible colour reminiscent of bad eighties…and what does it do to her shape? reflects it back…as a pear! She was the leading lady of the night…just close your eyes for a second and imagine the choice she had…then times that thought by a thousand…

Another one with choice – Salma Hayek in Alexander McQueen.

photo Getty Images.

Her husband owns the fashion houses for Gawds sake.  And she owns one of the most stunning pair of bazoomers in the business…where are they? Instead of deciding which dress to wear I swear she spent the time trying on different heads…

Amanda Seigfried in Alexander Mcqueen, photos Getty images

Maybe swapping with Amanda?…Terrible cut, dishwater colour –  why grey? silver glitters..grey is white socks after 10 washes…

Amy Adams in Oscar de la Renta, photo Getty Images.

I rest my case. In my dreams I see a beautiful, graceful swan…a SWAN not a CYGNET ON SPEED…. And strapless – i’m not great with strapless…shoulders come forward to stop wardrobe malfunctions and the balance is not good with all the volume down below..And I’ll whisper this very quietly…how does she go to the loo? Does someone help her?…Are they paid?

Reese Witherspoon in Louis Vuitton, photo Getty Images

Strong colour, interesting optical illusion on the waist with the black – which does make her waist look tiny – but conversely runs the risk of matronly hips.  You decide. Beautiful, film-star hair…my gripe? I’m not a fan of material that sits rather than flows..and I don’t like the straight cut across the boobs..

Brandi Glanville, photo by Getty Images...couldn’t find the name of the designer.  Apparently they’re in hiding, although rumour has it that Brandi had a hand it designing it herself.. hands don’t spring to mind..an extreme version of why strapless should be avoided.  Forever.

Kirsten Stewart wearing Reem Acra, photos by Getty Images.

Sigh.  It is a car-crash non? Who was it that said ‘Dress shabily and they remember the dress, dress impeccably and they remember the woman’…

Jennifer Aniston wearing Valentino, photos by Getty Images.

Strong colour – but BORING – too much bustle not enough hustle…

Anne Hathaway in Prada, photos by Getty Images.

It wasn’t  just the nipples.. the high neck… and the way the dress hung – it was also the fact that the staggeringly expensive necklace she was wearing kept fighting with the neckline of the dress…did you see a photo of the back?

Fight, fight, fight. Besides…I still haven’t forgiven Hathaway for crucifying the part of Emma in the film One Day…

So were there any winners?…you may be surprised…

Sally Field in Valentino, photo Getty Images.

Aged 66 and rocking it on the red. It’s the rouching on the bodice, the sheer arms, the delicate ruffles on the skirt, its the lightness of material in a colour with impact and volume that moves: as she moves it responds.  Just Beautiful.

Halle berry in Versace, photo Getty Images.

It’s the very precise, clever beading.  The illusion of a deep cleavage without fear of exposure – it’s tantalising not overt.  It’s the curving on the waist, the strong but balanced shoulders projecting the perfect hourglass figure.  It is classy and fabulous.

Melissa McCarthy in David meister and Adele in Jenny Packham,

photos by Lucas Jackman/Reuters

In the la la land of skiinnies and minis these two ladies impressed.  I think Melissa’s dress could have done with a bit of a tweak  – possible slightly more rouching on the waist to avoid the creases – maybe better underwear? but I love the concept – even happy with the darker grey. If anything, it was her hair that let her down – just too bouffant. Adele I love because she is herself – I am reminded of Orson Welles..’style is knowing who you are, what you want to say and not giving a damn.’  I even preferred the Burberry shorter dress she wore to perform in – really like her Burberry choices, and not just on oscar night..lucky girl.  And her hair down? GORGEOUS.

Naomi Watts wearing armani Privi, photo by Lucan Jackson, Reuters Original.

Knock-out.  Simple.  Elegant. Beautiful. Flattering.  interesting.  Different-  and look…hey! she can walk!

Charlize Theron in Dior, photo Getty Images

Stripped down sophistication – strapless  – but that ‘v’ makes all the difference.  She feels good – she glows.  it shows.

But my favourite of the night….drum roll…

Jane Fonda in Versace, photo Getty Images

It’s the killer cut, the clever gold on the waist, it’s the silhouette..the back..adding that frizzon of ‘wow’ factor..

Bet she was the only gal there in canary neon yellow…She stood out for me like a blazing beacon on a very dark, cloudy night..Go that pensioner!

Laters, kate xxx